The Ranting Canadian

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Ranting, raving and swearing about the political situation in Canada and the rest of the world. Telling it like it is and not holding back. WARNING: Harsh language!
Updated: 17 min 21 sec ago

I’m surprised I have never seen anyone post this song...

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 11:11


I’m surprised I have never seen anyone post this song (click on the video link above) in relation to the fucked-up Ford brothers, Doug and Rob. Maybe I have just missed it. The original lyrics don’t all apply to the Fords, so here is an amended version.

Asshole (Rob Ford version)

(SPOKEN)
Folks, I’d like to sing a song about the Etobicoke dream.
About me, about you, about the way our bigoted suburban hearts beat way down in the bottom of our bigoted suburban chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area, maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. We don’t know…

(SUNG)
I’m a millionaire regular Joe who’s never had a real job.
I’m your silver-spoon elite, white suburbanite slob.
I like football and cocaine and acting like a boor.
I’ve got an enormous, but plain, house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife, my “job”, my kids, my Escalade that’s black.
My feet on my table and a pipe full of crack.

But sometimes that just ain’t enough to keep a man like me interested (oh no) no way (uh-uh). No, I’ve gotta go out and have fun at someone else’s expense.
(oh yeah) yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

I read while I drive drunk in the ultra-fast lane,
While people around me are going insane.
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and piss on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying “How about this heat?”
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s the world’s biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn’t be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong…
NAAAAH!

I’m an asshole (he’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (he’s the world’s biggest asshole)

(SPOKEN)
You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna get in my Cadillac Escalade SUV — mafia-black, with whale-skin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. Yeah! And I’m gonna drive around in that baby at 180 kilometers an hour, getting 3 kilometers per litre, sucking down quarter-pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald’s in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers! And when I’m done suckin’ down those greaseball burgers I’m gonna wipe my mouth on the Toronto flag and then toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain’t a God-damned thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the mob, that’s why!

Two words — gangsters and guns, OK? Chow, Soknacki, Stintz - they can have all the democracy they want. They can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won’t make a lick of difference, because my friends got the guns, OK? Al Capone’s not dead - he’s frozen! And when we find a cure for pneumonia., we’re gonna thaw out Capone and he’s gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million times. That’s how pissed off Capone’s gonna be.

I’m gonna get Capone and Sandro Lisi and Giorgio Mammoliti (Hey) and Fabio Basso (Hey) and a case of Vodka and Gatorade (Hey) and fly to one of my other homes in Chicago… (Hey, Hey, Hey)

(Hey you know you really are an asshole)
Why don’t you just shut up and sing this song pal.
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
A – S – S - H - O – L – E.
Everybody, A – S – S - H - O – L – E.

Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Fung Achng Tum Chng Fum Afung Fung Ooh

(SPOKEN)
I’m an asshole and I’m proud of it!